#okstate Tailgate Tips, Homecoming Edition

Editor’s note: Have you read Seanpharkin’s blog? Well, you should. Today he educates us about tailgating at America’s GREATEST M*&*@@#&*&# Homecoming Celebration. (emphasis mine). 

In honor of America’s Greatest Homecoming Celebration, I thought I’d provide a few quick, easy tailgating tips for Saturday.  You know, since four years of tailgating absolutely makes me an expert on the subject.  Honestly, if you look at any of these and say to yourself, “Oh yeah, great tip,” you deserve to be thrown into a vat of like…some sort of mixture of caramel and glitter or something.

Tip 1:  Establish Yourself 

This can be done in a multitude of ways.  I prefer to let everyone know THIS TAILGATE IS MINE by just pouring whatever alcohol is closest to me all over my body.  A few weeks ago, the first thing I did when I arrived was pour a mimosa down my shirt.  You’ve officially marked your territory and can do as you please:


Tip 2:  Don’t Pace Yourself.

Just don’t.  ”Oh yeah, I’m totally going to pace myself on gameday.”  If you have to say this every time you tailgate, then just give up.  It never works.  Source: me and thousands of other people.

So just don’t do it.  Let me drop a little anecdote on your collective faces.  It’s a story about three, ahem…fictional characters.  Let’s call them Sean, Micah and Timmy.  So in this fictional world a few years ago when Oklahoma State played Baylor at 11 a.m., these three guys who totally aren’t real were like, “you know, it would be funny if we started tailgating by Ag Hall at 6 a.m. and drank Four Lokos.”  And these three guys who don’t exist said, “that would be awesome.”

And these aren’t the Four Lokos that are out now.  These are the original ones.  The ones with the energy and caffeine blend that supposedly turned people into absolute rampaging monsters. The ones media outlets were all fussy about:

So it happens.  These three guys just start hammering Four Lokos at 6 a.m. while sitting on an imaginary sleeping bag on the ground, which probably would have been cold if this story was real.

And then when all these other fictional characters show up to this dream tailgate, they’re like,


and it’s funny because in this alternate dimension, alcoholism is hilarious for some reason.

And then a bunch of stuff happens and there’s a game or whatever, and more tailgating, and then a house party and then suddenly it’s KRUISIN’ BURGER TIME (in this nonexistent realm of reality).

So Sean, if that’s even his name, walks to Kruisin’ Burger and is minding his own business and a cute girl is in line right next to him.  And this girl looks at him and exclaims, “I’m buying us quesadillas and beers!”  And Sean is like,

So they’re sitting there eating quesadillas and drinking beer, and Sean hasn’t even asked this girl her name yet BECAUSE HE STARTED DRINKING FOUR LOKOS AT 6 A.M. AND ALSO IS JUST HORRIBLE AT SOCIAL CUES MOST OF THE TIME ANYWAY.  SHE BOUGHT HIM A QUESADILLA AND BEER AND HE DIDN’T EVEN ASK HER FOR HER NAME OR CONTACT INFO.  If this story were like, you know, real, it would have probably rustled Sean’s jimmies pretty good.

All of a sudden this guy with spiked hair walks up to the table and says,

And Sean’s like, “Yeah, man! Absolutely!”  And then realizes the guy is actually talking to the girl who bought him the quesadilla and beer.  And the girl leaves with the dude, still leaving a partially uneaten quesadilla.  So Sean eats that too, because you don’t go to Kruisin’ Burger and not eat a quesadilla that someone just leaves because, hey, perfectly good quesadilla.

To recap: don’t pace yourself.  You’ll get free quesadillas and beers and also become a bona fide homewrecker.

Uh, kind of got off on a diatribe there. Some more quick tips:

Tip 3: For The Love Of God, Eat Food At Some Point During The Day

Tip 4: No Stabbing People.  Seriously, That Wouldn’t Be Socially Acceptable

Tip 5: Enjoy Yourself AKA Don’t Act Like You Are Being Waterboarded With Magma

Tip 6: Maybe Don’t Urinate Wherever You Want

Tip 7: The Orange Water In The Edmon Low Fountain Is Not Vitamin C-Packed Orange Juice And Subsequently Is Not Suitable For Consumption

OK, 7 is an arbitrary enough number to call it quits.  Props to Emily Hull for cross-posting this to her Tailgate Traveler site. It’s pretty nifty.  I seriously have no idea why she’d want to have anything to do with all this jibberish and these horrible, horrible drawings. Especially after last year’s Tailgate Wars post.  Yikes.  Have a safe and enjoyable homecoming weekend!


Republished by permission. Read more about Sean’s awkwardness at http://seanpharkin.wordpress.com/

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